He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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