I can tuck mytits in my pants
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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