Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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