she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
