So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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