Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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