I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
