first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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