i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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