I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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