my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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