you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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