Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
