very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
