I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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