the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
