Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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