just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
