as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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