guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
