When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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