Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
