just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
