Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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