Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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