I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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