just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have fence marks all over my body
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
