I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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