If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
