I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
