i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
