you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she told me i tasted like america
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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