Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
