remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
