Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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