hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
