Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just blew my weed a kiss
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
