Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
