you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
