He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
