Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
