Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
