Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
