I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
