I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
