What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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