you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
