I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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