I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
