so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
