im drinking this country out of the recession.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
