apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
