I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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