you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
