phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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