youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
