I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
