I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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