my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
